When NOT To Give Your Young Adult Money

Whether emotionally or financially, parents invest a lot of themselves into raising their kids. When kids become young adults, it becomes tricky to know when to taper down these supports – especially when it comes to subsidizing their daily expenses. If you’re like most parents, you don’t want to see your child struggle over minor financial mistakes or feel the pains of misspending. Yet, when parents provide too much financial support, young adults miss out on critical learning opportunities to tolerate discomfort and develop new problem-solving strategies. How do we walk the middle path between too much and too little financial aid? Let’s start off by talking about when NOT to give money to your young adult child.

5 times not to give your young adult money

1.)   To bail your child out of discomfort.

There are times when your adult child may be in a difficult or dangerous situation that requires the love and financial support of a parent. However, all too often financial support is given in service of avoiding anxiety or discomfort. No one wants to see their child struggle – this is normal. Yet, avoidance of worry and uncertainty decreases our ability to tolerate discomfort and increases anxiety. If the situation isn’t dangerous and allows your adult child to persevere and problem-solve through discomfort, it might be the right time to forgo financial support.

2.)   To jump the line.

When parents see their children struggle with anxiety and distress, they often feel the same. To decrease their child’s (and their own) suffering, parents may help adult children take financial shortcuts. In some cases, these shortcuts may be important or useful. In other cases, jumping the line can decrease patience and distress tolerance in emerging adults. Instead of financial support, consider sharing your strategies for managing discomfort and strong emotions when having to wait, save money, or manage expectations.

3.)   To reverse a mistake (that could help them learn).

We all need help sometimes, especially when we make a mistake. Some mistakes may lead to financial burdens that put adult children in unsafe or unstable positions. In these cases, parental support may be necessary. However, in my practice, financial support is often given to help children bounce back more quickly from everyday financial mistakes. Mistake-making is one of our greatest learning tools. As parents, it’s important to afford our children every opportunity to gain new personal insights and grow through reasonable mistake-making.

4.)   When it causes you suffering.

Whether emotional or financial suffering, giving money to loved ones shouldn’t hurt you. Modeling self-care and self-love by thoughtfully sharing your finances helps adult children learn to do the same. If financially supporting someone becomes painful, it may be time to reach out for more support.

5.)   When it causes them suffering.

Money isn’t always the answer. Some adult children need other services and support rather than an infusion of cash. If a young adult is struggling to eat due to anxiety and depression, more money for groceries may not necessarily be the answer. Some parents find it helpful to have compassionate, honest conversations with their adult children regarding what they need for overall wellness – and make a plan to access services reasonably and affordably.

Keep in mind that every situation is unique, and every family has different needs. These are a few helpful guidelines to get you started. If you are struggling to be the kind of parent you want to be for your young adult or your young adult is struggling with independence, reach out for more support.

Authored by Mind Chicago Clinical Director and author of A Kids Book About Pronouns, Lee Wells.