Check the Facts Before You Act

Checking the Facts is one of our favorite DBT skills! We use Check the Facts when we want to know if our feelings or beliefs actually match the situation or the facts. Check the Facts helps us figure out if we really have a problem or if we just THINK we have a problem. It can also help us understand if that problem is serious or if we just THINK it’s serious. By understanding what the real problem is, we can be better problem solvers. In other words, Checking the Facts helps us monitor our minds so we can make more effective and helpful decisions.

When do feelings fit the facts?

There is no perfect answer to this question. Yet, we can provide a little helpful guidance. Let’s use fear as an example. Fear may fit the facts when you are in danger, or something terrible might happen to you or someone you love. In these situations, your body might get tense, your hands might shake, it might be hard to breathe, and your eyes may widen. Feeling fear may lead us to take action so that we can feel safe. Sometimes we feel fear in situations where we aren’t in actual danger. Some people feel fear about leaving the house for school although they are not in danger and the likelihood of something terrible happening to them is low or non-existent. 

There are lots of situations in which feelings fit the facts - or don’t. But why do we care if feelings fit the facts?

Feelings lead to actions

Feelings serve a very important function for us as human beings. In DBT, emotions motivate our behaviors and prepare us for action. They involve feelings, bodily sensations, and expressive movements such as facial expressions and sounds. Emotions help us communicate and influence others, both intentionally and unintentionally. They provide valuable information to assist us in interpreting and responding to situations. For example, feeling fear can signal to us that we may be in danger. Feeling excited can motivate us to pursue a goal or feeling sad can motivate us to find comfort or seek support. You may recall viewing some of the most common emotions humans experience in the hit movie “Inside Out.”

In other words, emotions are powerful - and they are often paired with urges to act. If we feel lonely, we might call a friend. If we are angry at the car in front of us, we might honk the horn and shout. If we acted on every urge associated with every emotion, life would be very tricky. Therefore, being mindful of the power of our emotions can help us avoid treating all of our emotions as if they are facts. Validating our emotions is super important, but so is checking the facts to ensure we live in a way that aligns with our personal values. For example, if you are feeling lonely, this does not necessarily mean that there isn’t anyone that cares about you! 

How to check the facts

Checking the Facts is much more than just asking, “Does this emotion fit the facts?” Check the Facts is actually a set of skills that helps us identify the actual problem and make decisions that align with our values. DBT founder Marsha Linehan created a flow chart to help us think through the Check the Facts process. Check out our adaption below!

Checking the facts for families

Checking the facts doesn’t have to be an individual activity - it can be a family event! Learn how you can use this strategy to benefit your whole family.

Managing conflict: When family members have different perspectives on a situation, this skill can help members gather accurate information while reducing emotional reactions. Checking the facts can offer structure to a conflict allowing those involved to manage their emotional response and calmly find a resolution that satisfies everyone. 

Improved communication: This skill can enhance communication skills and reduce misunderstandings.

Managing intense emotions: Families naturally experience many emotions together, especially during difficult times or during conflict. Checking the facts can help navigate these situations and reduce strong emotional reactions. 

Building Trust: As an essential part of any relationship, trust can be cultivated through checking the facts by practicing honesty, authenticity, and openness as a family. This can increase trust and strengthen relationships.

How to talk to kids about checking the facts

Sometimes our emotions can make us believe things that aren’t 100% true. When this happens, we might act on our feelings and say or do things that aren’t very helpful. When we notice that our emotions are getting really big and intense, we can stop, take a step back, and check in on what’s happening. First, we ask ourselves, “What’s actually happening?” Let’s take a look around and describe what’s going on. Then we can ask ourselves, “Am I in danger or in a catastrophe?” and “Are there other ways to think about this situation?” After noticing all that stuff, we can ask ourselves “Do my feelings fit the facts of the situation?” Now it’s a great time to follow the Check the Facts flowchart!

P.S. The next time you find yourself noticing a strong emotional reaction coming on, model this skill (along with some self-love) to inspire family members to do the same!

Gentle reminders for parents of highly sensitive kids

Validate your child’s emotions.

It’s important to remember to acknowledge your child’s feelings and validate their experience even when their reactions may not be based on facts. By doing so, you can foster a relationship that consists of trust and can enhance the feeling that they are in a safe learning environment. 

Avoid judgment.

Try to maintain a neutral and non-judgmental demeanor when examining the facts together. The intention is to help them understand the situation objectively while striving to avoid assigning blame or making them feel criticized. 

Practice Regularly.

Like any skill, checking the facts takes practice! By encouraging your child to use this skill regularly (perhaps even practicing when there isn’t an emotional crisis present), it can become a natural part of their emotion regulation processes! 

Encouraging Curiosity.

Encourage curiosity by asking open-ended questions to guide them when examining the facts together. This can aid in the development of critical thinking skills and help them get used to uncertainty! 

Celebrate Progress!

Notice, recognize, and celebrate your own and your child’s progress, even if it’s small! Positive reinforcement is extremely motivating which can encourage the use of the skill and increase confidence in their ability to regulate their emotions.

Checking the facts is a valuable skill that can be used to change our emotional responses in order to make more helpful decisions in real-time. By using this DBT skill with your family, everyone can practice learning how to regulate their emotions when faced with a situation that prompts strong emotional reactions! 

The team at Mind Chicago offers support to children, teens, young adults, and parents seeking to enhance their DBT skill set. For more support, reach out to Mind Chicago today at hello@mindchicago.com. 

Authored by Mind Chicago therapists Lee Wells, AM, LCSW and Fatima Sakrani, LSW.