Supporting a Friend with Mental Health Struggles: Balancing Their Needs and Your Own
When you go through a breakup, fail a test, or don’t get the job you want - who do you turn to? Usually a friend. As much as we rely on our friends for a good laugh, we also lean on them for emotional support. For teens and emerging adults, reliance on friends for emotional support is developmentally appropriate and increases a sense of belonging! So, it makes sense that teens and young adults most often turn to friends when they're struggling with anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns.
At Mind Chicago, we frequently encounter compassionate and thoughtful teens and emerging adults. It's no surprise, then, that we often hear them ask, "How can I support a friend who is struggling?" Here are several strategies we recommend for young people to effectively support a friend without intruding on their own mental health.
LISTENING AND VALIDATING
Some of the most powerful ways to support a friend with mental health challenges include listening attentively, being nonjudgmental, and validating their feelings. Giving someone your full attention involves a combination of active listening, non-verbal communication, and being mentally present. You can start by putting away electronics, maintaining eye contact (if comfortable), and asking clarifying questions. Being non-judgmental is done by creating a safe and accepting environment where people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Try being open to their perspective without immediately jumping to conclusions or judgments. Lastly, Validating feelings looks like acknowledging someone’s emotions and experiences as valid and understandable. Let them know it's okay to feel the way they do (even if you don’t agree with them). Helpful statements include: “I can imagine this must be really tough for you" or “It makes a lot of sense you feel this way given the situation.”
ASK IF THEY WANT HELP
Asking how you can help is a compassionate and kind friendship move. Although many friends just want a listening ear, some friends may ask you to help them distract with an activity or a funny story, while others may ask you for help finding resources. Keep in mind that it’s not your job a friend to provide therapy or “fix” their problems… more to come on that later.
Friendly DISTRACTIONs
Listening is a really important friendship skill - but so is distraction. Every snap, text, or hang doesn’t have to be about your friend’s mental health struggles… and if it is, it might be time to change the subject, or as we like to call it, “a friendly distraction.” Here are a few examples of activity-based friendly distractions! Ask your friend to…
Create art together
Attend a yoga or meditation class
Go thrift shopping
Celebrate special moments
Plan a future event
DON’T START RUMORS
Yes, we’re telling you to think before you gossip. Asking for help from an adult, therapist, or trusted friend can be important but it’s not helpful to use your friend’s information to connect with others, improve your social status, or engage others in juicy gossip conversation.
KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO GET HELP
Being a good friend doesn’t mean being available 24/7 to listen to their problems or taking on the heavy emotional load of your friend’s struggle. In fact, if you’re feeling anxious, guilty, scared, or overly stressed by the information your friend is sharing, it might be time to get more support. More support might mean getting help from your parents, a therapist, a school counselor, or a college health counselor. REMEMBER, you are not responsible for other people’s mental health - even if your thoughts tell you otherwise. This is especially true in cases of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or other dangerous or life-threatening behaviors. Teens and emerging adults are just not equipped to help (and that’s okay), so the most loving, friendship-like thing to do is to contact a trusted adult (like a parent), mental health professional, or emergency service and let them take the lead.
BUT THEY TOLD ME NOT TO TELL ANYONE…
It feels AWFUL when a friend tells you they are in danger of hurting themselves or others and asks you not to tell anyone. It challenges your sense of commitment to your friend… and makes you scared that you’ll lose the friendship or even get “in trouble.” Ugh. Even though this situation brings up a lot of hard feelings, it’s important that you still reach out to a trusted adult (like a parent), mental health professional, or emergency service.
Start by letting your friend know why you are worried or concerned and that you feel it’s time to get extra help. Some people might push back a little, and that’s okay. They are likely worried and scared themself. Even if a friend pushes back, it’s okay to say, “This seems really painful and hard, and I care about you so much that I have to reach out for help.”
Self-CARE Matters
Supporting a friend who shares mental health needs can be emotionally demanding. Set boundaries that protect your own well-being—know when you need space or support from others. Respect your friend’s boundaries as well, avoid pressuring them to share more than they’re comfortable with and try to be understanding if they need time alone. Healing takes time, and recovery is a journey with ups and downs.
If you’re struggling to set limits with a friend and/or have become their go-to for mental health support, reach out to someone who can help - like your therapist or a parent.
Authored by Mind Chicago therapist Dr. Lee Wells and friend of Mind Chicago, Fatima Sakrani, LSW.
