Emotion Coaching 101

Emotion regulation is a combination of a bunch of executive functioning skills - from behavioral inhibition to flexibility - that help kids (and grownups) effectively respond to emotions to reach a goal or adjust to their surroundings. Over the past decade or so, mental health professionals, doctors, and researchers have come to understand that poor emotion regulation (or emotion dysregulation) is a core characteristic of ADHD. If you’re a parent of a child with ADHD, you already know that too much emotional dysregulation can get in the way of their relationships, play, learning, and more. Emotion coaching is one of those “back pocket” parenting strategies that can help young kids (think 2 - 7 years old) understand, manage, and de-escalate big emotions. Emotion coaching isn’t a “cure” for emotion dysregulation or other symptoms related to ADHD, but it can help parents feel more empowered and kids feel less stressed!

Why Emotion Coaching

It De-escalates Emotional Intensity

One of the main benefits of emotional coaching is its ability to de-escalate intense emotional situations. When a child is overwhelmed by big feelings, they may react impulsively, leading to behaviors that can worsen the situation. The validation component of emotion coaching helps children feel understood and valued. 

It Encourages Emotional Acceptance

When parents emotion coach, children learn to accept their feelings rather than push them away. Think of emotions like a beach ball. The further we push it under the water, the more pressure builds up. The deeper the ball is underwater, the more it will explode back up when we let go. Emotional coaching teaches children that all emotions are valid and part of our human experience. Children can develop healthier ways to express and manage their emotions by understanding and accepting them. 

It Builds Emotional Resilience

Everyone experiences big emotions - and learning to ride the emotional wave without worsening a situation is a crucial life skill. Emotional coaching teaches children that it's okay to have strong feelings and that they can live with and ride the wave of these emotions. This practice builds emotional resilience, or the ability to experience big emotions and adapt in a way that is helpful and meaningful to them.

Emotion coaching 101

1. Notice and Resist the Urge to Stop the Feeling

The first step in emotional coaching is to notice the child's emotional state and resist the urge to stop or dismiss the feeling. It's natural for parents to want to fix things quickly, but acknowledging the child's emotions without rushing to change them is crucial. This step involves staying present with the child and allowing them to express their feelings. 

2. Use Validation

Validation is a cornerstone of emotional coaching. It involves acknowledging the child's feelings and letting them know their emotions are understood. It does not mean you have to agree with the feelings - rather, it’s about acknowledging they exist without trying to fix them. Phrases like "I see that you're really upset" or "It makes sense you feel sad about this” can make a big difference. Validation helps children feel seen and heard, reducing the intensity of their emotions and promoting emotional regulation. Science shows the validation can de-escalate situations and can help your child calm down. When children feel more understood, they will be more open to coping and problem-solving. 

3. Redirect and Move On

After validating the child's emotions, the next step is to gently redirect their focus. This doesn't mean dismissing their feelings but rather helping them transition to a more constructive activity. For example, suggesting a peaceful activity like drawing or reading can help shift their focus and reduce emotional intensity. Redirecting helps children learn that while their feelings are valid, they don't have to be consumed by them. Think about what has worked in the past; what can you add to the situation to help redirect. Perhaps you invite the dog into the room or have a sibling ask to play their favorite game.

Emotional coaching is a short-term de-escalation strategy for your child’s trickiest emotional moments. Once the emotional wave has subsided and your child feels more understood, they will be more open to coping and problem-solving. Strategies that we can chat about at one of your future therapy appointments!

For more guidance and support, consider contacting us at Mind Chicago. We specialize in therapeutic approaches that support parents of kids with ADHD and related challenges. You can explore groups, articles, and services on the Mind Chicago website for more information.

Authored by Mind Chicago therapist Courtney Chamerski, LCSW