Being a Supportive Parent: Helping your child with Anxiety or OCD
If you are a parent or caregiver of an anxious child, there is no doubt that you are effortfully trying to support them. You have given words of encouragement, answered their many "what if" questions, and eliminated anxiety provoking cues. You may have noticed that although these strategies help reduce distress in the short-term, anxiety hasn't gone away, and, in fact, you may have even observed it getting much worse!
Family Accommodations
The actions that parents or caregivers do (or don't do) to help alleviate or avoid a child's discomfort or anxiety are called Family Accommodations. Nearly all families of a child with anxiety or OCD engage in these actions - and that's okay. However, we know that Family Accommodations can stand in the way of managing anxiety, as well as make family life much harder.
Many parents report that these actions take up a lot of their time, stress them out, and, in the end, disrupt positive family relationships. Research also notes that Family Accommodations are linked to increases in anxiety severity in children and can lead to other challenges such as sleep issues (Lebowitz et al., 2016, Lebowitz & Shimshoni, 2019).
Using Supportive Statements
There are a few ways to address Family Accommodations - and we will get to that. However, if you are like most of our families at Mind Chicago, you want to know what you can do TODAY. The first step is to strengthen your supportive statement muscle. What does this mean? It means taking a look at the words you're using to support your child in those anxious and distressing moments.
Dr. Eli Lebowitz had developed a very simple recipe for supportive statements for parents of children with anxiety and OCD.
Ingredient 1: Use validation.
For example, "I can tell this is very tough for you."
Ingredient 2: Have confidence in your child's ability to tolerate discomfort.
For example, "I know you can handle it."
Let's practice!
Original Statement: This isn't easy for anyone.
Supportive Statement: I can see this isn't easy and I know you can handle it.
Original Statement: You will have to be able to do this next year in high school
Supportive Statement: Anxiety is uncomfortable and you have the ability to get through this.
Original Statement: There are a lot of people in our house, we can't always be focused on you.
Supportive Statement: This is hard. You have gotten through this before and I know you can again.
Now, we understand that shifting your communication style can be difficult and awkward. And we also know that just saying supportive statements isn't going to get rid of your child's anxiety. Yet, it is an extremely important step for managing your child's anxiety and improving family functioning.
How can I learn more?
At Mind Chicago, we have therapists trained in Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). SPACE is an effective, evidence-supported treatment for children, teens, and young adults with anxiety and OCD. Different from child-focused therapy, only parents or caregivers participate in SPACE sessions. SPACE focuses on strengthening parent skills and strategies that increase supportiveness and reduce Family Accommodations.
If you would like to learn more about SPACE and helping your anxious child, reach out to us at hello@mindchicago.com.
Love to read? Check out these books to help strengthen your supportive statements and begin reducing Family Accommodations.
Breaking Free of Child Anxiety & OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents by Dr. Eli Lebowitz
Treating Childhood & Adolescent Anxiety: A Guide for Caregivers by Dr. Eli Lebowitz & Dr. Haim Omer
Authored by Mind Chicago Co-Owner and Clinical Director, Lee Wells, AM, LCSW.
