The Art & Science of Mindful Parenting

It’s hard to say something original about parenting. Every cliché you’ve heard about parenting you already know to be true: 

“You’ve never felt such love.”

“You’ve never been so tired.”

“It’s an incredible, life-changing experience.”

“It’s brutal.”

Both sides of the parenting coin are true and exist simultaneously.

But when sh*t hits the fan, what do you do? Do you keep your cool? Do you lose it? Do you disconnect? Cry? Smile and nod? Find the nearest exit sign?

Whatever you do, it’s hard. Really hard. And it’s easy to judge our own actions, get down on ourselves, and compare ourselves to others.

Although it would seem like this article is here to give you more advice, it’s not. In fact, as therapists and neuropsychologists, our job isn’t to give you parenting advice. Rather we are here to ask questions (there is a little more to parent-based therapy and coaching than that, but we start with questions). 

For instance,

Is the way you’re parenting working for you? 

That’s right, we asked if it’s working for YOU. Parenting is a very personal phenomenon that impacts how we see ourselves and our self-worth. Do you - generally - feel like the parent you want to be? Do you - generally - parent the way you want to?

We are perfectly aware that NO ONE parents the way they want to all the time. Yet, we know that most folks want parenting to increase or maintain their self-worth and self-compassion, not deplete it.

So, where do we even begin when we are running on empty, snapping at our kids, or feeling like the worst versions of ourselves?

MINDFULNESS. 

We know ‘mindfulness’ is thrown around so often that it’s pretty much a meme. Yet, mindfulness is a research-backed strategy shown to mitigate burnout and improve self-compassion. As parents, we often want to employ new strategies and tools to manage our children’s behavior or mood. Engaging in mindfulness, however, is not meant to reduce your child’s difficult behavior - the function is to help you connect more to yourself and your own parenting. But if changes in your child’s mood and behavior helps you buy into mindfulness… a recent meta-analysis shows that greater mindfulness practice among parents increases ‘mindful parenting’ and decreases children’s internal and external challenges.

We love mindfulness at Mind Chicago. And you’ve probably noticed this is our millionth article on it. Before we share our insights on mindfulness and parenting, we wanted to highlight that mindfulness exists in secular and spiritual/cultural contexts. Some mindfulness and meditation practices are part of people’s spiritual and cultural heritage and are practiced without a specific therapeutic function. When we consider the use of mindfulness in our everyday lives, we want to be thoughtful of what it means for ourselves and those around us. Non-judgment and keeping our minds in the present moment are healing experiences. Dr. Surmitis and colleagues suggest we also need to check in with ourselves and ask: What do I know about this mindfulness practice, and is there more to understand? In what ways do my privilege, culture, faith orientation, and values influence my use of this mindful practice? Why is this practice valuable to me? In what personal, financial, and professional ways will I benefit from this practice?

With that in mind, we understand mindfulness as non-judgmental, accepting, moment-to-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, internal experiences, and behaviors to support our self-worth and self-compassion in raising children. As you can imagine, this is a wildly difficult endeavor in the age of Instagram, TikTok, parenting comparisons, and more. 

So now what…

OBSERVING.

Observing includes noticing - or deliberately bringing your attention to - your emotions, sensations, thoughts, and behaviors. This sounds rather mundane, yet it connects us to the present, grounds us in our lived experiences, and helps us become more aware of what’s happening in a parenting moment.

Observing is the opposite of being on autopilot (which has its place and function). Observing is a micropause. A private, personalized moment (rare when you have kids) with yourself.

Observing your internal or bodily experiences can be tough and sometimes painful. If you aren’t in the space to do this, begin by observing what’s around you. For instance, take 10 seconds to simply notice what your child is doing. Unless it’s unavoidable, try not to intervene, correct, or say much at all. Observe how they’re going about their day, interacting with you and others, and engaging in behaviors. This isn’t about noticing “positive” or “negative” behaviors... it’s not about deciding if you’re a “good” or “bad” parent… you’re just observing. 

Next-level Stuff…

Let’s say you’re a pro at observing externally and feel in the right space to observe internally. As you notice your child, bring your attention to how you feel. What and where do you feel things in your body? What thoughts pop up? Are you still breathing (lots of people hold their breath when doing this)? 

The act of observing creates a small pause that reconnects you to yourself as a human being in the world. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), mindfulness (including observing) is a critical component of long-term emotional regulation and greater connectedness to others - doesn’t that sound like the makings of a meaningful parenting experience? 

If you are interested in exploring parenting and mindfulness, reducing parenting accommodations (for kids with anxiety and OCD), or helping your child manage painful internal or external experiences, please reach out to us at hello@mindchicago.com.

Authored by Mind Chicago co-owners Dr. David Meyerson and Lee Wells