Is Your Child a Budding Perfectionist?
Hard work and high expectations are often rewarded in our society. We can see these traits being praised and rewarded all around us, including at work and in school. So what happens when your child’s hard work and expectations of themself go beyond what is reasonable or helpful? Where do we draw the line between healthy striving and unhelpful perfectionism? How do you support your child when their need to succeed, achieve, and get things “just right” seems to cause them such pain and distress?
The symptoms of perfectionism can vary from person to person and by the type of perfectionism the individual experiences. Some signs to look for in your child include:
High anxiety surrounding failure
Low frustration tolerance / low ability to tolerate making a mistake
Trouble completing homework due to striving for perfection
Difficulty making decisions
Sensitivity to criticism from others
High expectations or criticism of others
Struggling with perfectionism can be a painful, difficult experience for children and adults, alike. So how can you support a child who is exhibiting signs of perfectionism?
Below are a few quick tips:
Praise efforts rather than outcomes.
Rather than praising your child’s score on their math test (“Congratulations, you got 100%!”), offer them specific praise on their efforts to study for the test (“You studied so hard for that test - you must be so proud!”)
Model self-compassion and tolerance of imperfection.
The next time you make a mistake or face imperfection in your own life, model self-compassion. For instance, if you bake cookies with your child, you can say something like - “Whoops, I accidentally burned this batch around the edges! That’s okay, they’ll be a bit crispy and I’ll try to take them out of the oven faster next time.”
Monitor your expectations.
It is difficult for a child to cope with a sense of pressure to be perfect. It’s important to hold high but reasonable expectations for your child. But what are reasonable expectations? This one is particularly tricky as some kids have apparent competence in one or more particular areas, yet struggle in others. If you find that your child continues to fail to meet your goals or expectations, you may want to reassess your expectations to ensure that what is expected can be reasonably achieved. And if you’re not sure where to begin, reach out to a therapist or trusted professional.
Practice useful and culturally relevant coping skills.
The truth is, failure and mistakes are inevitable parts of being human! While these experiences are uncomfortable, they are certainly survivable. Teach and encourage the use of helpful and culturally relevant strategies to manage the discomfort that comes with making mistakes, feeling rejected, or being imperfect. Coping skills can include many strategies such as talking with a friend or trusted adult, journaling, prayer, music, and more.
The team at Mind Chicago offers support to children, teens, young adults, and parents who are struggling with perfectionism. For more support, reach out to Mind Chicago today at hello@mindchicago.com.
Written by Hannah Romain, LCSW, therapist at Mind Chicago and co-author of Overcoming Parental Anxiety: Rewire Your Brain to Worry Less and Enjoy Parenting More.
