Non-Judgment for Beginners!
We all make judgments from time to time. Yet, judgments can prompt lots of unhelpful emotions and distract you from dealing with a situation accurately or helpfully. But what exactly is a judgment. A judgment is a statement that takes facts of a situation and adds a personal preference, value, or opinion to it in an objective manner. For example, “The rain is terrible” is a judgment because it is your opinion, and others may feel differently about the situation. “It is raining today. I notice I feel sad when it rains” is a non-judgmental statement that clearly portrays what’s actually happening in the situation.
Not all judgments are “bad.” Judgments are super helpful in many situations, such as who we choose to spend time with, how we make decisions, or what kind of clothing we prefer. However, sometimes judgments can be unkind, unhelpful, and overwhelming.
It’s human nature for our minds to constantly judge, categorize, and label things. “I’m such a weirdo” or “It’s cold today so today will be a bad day” are examples of unhelpful judgments. Unkind judgments aren’t right or wrong but are often unconscious and unproductive. These judgments can make us or others feel “bad” and can get in the way of handling situations in a way we are proud of.
In DBT, we practice a few skills that help us stay present and use non-judgment. These skills are called the WHAT and HOW skills. WHAT skills include observing, describing, and participating in the present moment intentionally and in a particular way. HOW skills tell us HOW to use the WHAT skills in a meaningful way. Non-judgment is a HOW skill where we practice being present in the current moment and stating a fact without adding our personal opinion to it.
A rule of thumb… if you are using the word good, bad, or should, you may be judging! You might be thinking, “Yikes, I say these all the time.” Take a breath, we’ll help you begin to get unstuck from judgments.
When you find yourself having an unhelpful judgment, try this activity. You will need a pen/pencil and a sheet of paper. Create five (5) columns on your paper and follow the prompts below. I’ve also created a VIDEO on how to do this activity to make it even easier for you!
Situation: Briefly describe the situation that prompted your unhelpful judgment. No detail is too small! Describe where you were and what time of day it was. For example: “I am sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of the day, it was raining, and I am having a vanilla latte.”
Judgment: Write down your thoughts, the exact words that crossed your mind. For example: “The barista at this coffee shop hates me because she didn’t smile when I ordered.” If you don’t have any specific thoughts, write down the quality of your thoughts. Were they unkind, negative, “judgy?”
Resulting Emotion: How did you feel when judging the situation? Unhelpful judgments generally result in negative emotions. If we let these thoughts and quality of thoughts keep going, it often leads to more unhelpful judgments and strong emotions. For example: “I felt sad that I thought the barista didn’t like me. I felt worried when going back up to the counter to ask for a refill. I started to feel like other people didn’t like me too.”
Outcome: What happened after the situation? Did you get through your task/day/event the way you wanted to? Or did you feel too many negative emotions that you didn’t act in a way you would have liked? For example: In the coffee situation, maybe your head was filled with thoughts about the barista to focus on the assignment you were working on. Or you hastily sent a snide message to a friend afterward, which led to your additional intense and overwhelming emotion at that moment.
Reframing: Try to transform your thought into a non-judgmental and fact-based statement. Examples:
Judgment: “The barista at this coffee shop hates me because she didn’t smile when I ordered.”
Mindful Reframe: “The barista didn’t smile when I ordered. I feel worried when people aren’t friendly. I know that other people’s actions are not my responsibility.”
Judgment: “I’m always weird at parties.”
Mindful Reframe: “I feel anxious and awkward when I go to parties. I have a hard time saying things the way I want to when I’m anxious.”
Judgment: “My friend was late today. They should have known how annoying that is!”
Mindful Reframe: “My friend was late today. The fact is that they have always struggled to be on time. I notice I feel frustrated and bothered when people are late.”
Remember that just reframing these judgments won’t get rid of judging. It creates more awareness and space in your mind, so you can shift away from judgment and return to the present moment. When you practice this on your own, you also help those around you (i.e., your kids) learn to take hold of and shift their minds.
For more information on being mindful of judgment with the help of a therapist, reach out to us at hello@mindchicago.com.
Authored by Mind Chicago therapist, Fatima Sakrani, LSW.
