How Contributing Helps Kids and Families
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based therapy that can help with symptoms of anxiety, depression, and mood dysregulation. DBT originated as therapy for adults but has long been adapted for effective use with kids and teens. When kids are often stuck in certain ways of thinking, have difficulty managing strong emotions, or struggle with relationships, DBT might be the therapy for them. Although DBT is much more than learning skills, 5 skillsets are super helpful for kids and teens:
Mindfulness (or Taking Hold of Your Mind Skills)
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Emotional Regulation Skills
Walking the Middle Path Skills
Distress Tolerance Skills
Distress Tolerance Skills helps us with short-term emotional difficulties and crisis, so we can work on long-term emotional regulation.
What is Distress Tolerance
You might have heard someone say, “let go of the things you can’t control.” While accepting what is beyond your control is very important, it’s not easy. The illusion that we completely control our thoughts and feelings is untrue.
Let me show you. Imagine your favorite ice cream flavor. Think about how it tastes and the positive memories associated with it. Now, completely forget about it. Forget those memories and forget the feelings that came along with them, don’t think about it again. This is super difficult, if not impossible! Even if you were to think of something else, you would first have to think of the ice cream and tell yourself not to think of it!
If we can’t control our every thought and emotion, what do we do when we are feeling big emotions, and we can’t change the situation?
Use your Distress Tolerance Skills!
Distress tolerance skills help us survive an emotional crisis or moment of distress without acting impulsively and potentially making it worse. It is important to remember that these skills are not long-term solutions. They will not solve all your problems and aren’t designed to make you feel better. Instead, these skills are a tool not to make the situation worse while you ride the wave of emotion.
There are many Distress Tolerance tools. One of the most popular is Wise Mind ACCEPTS. The ACCEPTS skill focus on distraction as a short-term solution. WARNING! Distraction can easily turn into avoidance! One funny animal TikTok is a distraction - hours and hours of TikTok where you don’t talk to others or face anything in your life is avoidance.
ACCEPTS is an acronym.
We will focus on one of our favorite letters, C. C stands for Contributes.
Wise Mind ACCEPTS can help us get unstuck when trapped in our emotions (or emotional mind). Contributes is one way to get unstuck from our own strong emotions and focus on something outside of ourselves. Contributes helps us distract (or give our minds a little emotional or mental break) and helps us to connect to others and the world. Contributes is in no way is this meant to invalidate the pain you are currently feeling. Rather it helps you gain perspective and then come back to managing your pain with a bit more centeredness (in your wise mind 😉).
Even better, contributing can help increase your self-worth and positive emotions. Although you might not always gain “feel-good” benefits of contributing, research links contributing or helping others to happiness-related brain activity. Helping others has also been linked to increased emotional regulation and well-being.
Contributing is actively doing something for someone else. This could be a friend, family member, stranger, or the earth. There are several ways to practice the Contributes skill in ACCEPTS.
How to Practice
♥️ Do Acts of Kindness. Participating in the Act of Kindness can help you get unstuck from your own unhelpful thinking and connect to the world around you. Actis of Kindness do not have to be elaborate or expensive. Acts of kindness can be as simple as unloading the dishwasher, taking the dog on an extra walk, calling a grandparent, or picking up. An Act of Kindness must be something that is a kind and considerate gesture to someone else (and that someone could be a pet).
♥️ Helping Out. Helping out is not necessarily an act of kindness. Rather it is something that just needs to be done. Perhaps you’ve been meaning to take boxes from the basement to the attic. Contributing to the house might be completing that task that is helpful and has been tough to complete.
♥️ Supporting Others. Contributing might include putting yourself and your thoughts aside and fully listening to others. Your friend or family member might have a tough situation that requires your support and love. Contribution can include actively giving your attention to someone else. However, for many kids and teens, attending to someone else might be really tough when your emotions are very big.
Make a Plan
If you are interested in practicing Contributes as a short-term distress tolerance strategy when emotions are big or challenging to manage, making a plan is helpful. Creating a contributes list can be helpful when your mind is too overwhelmed to generate new ideas. And if certain hours of the day or days of the week lead to predictably big emotions, consider scheduling a consistent contributes activity each week.
Ready to create your Contributes list. Check out some of our FREE Chicagoland suggestions below.
Send Letters and Cards.
Receiving a thank you card or a random “I am thinking about you card” always feels good! Send a card to a loved one or to reach out and provide words of encouragement and support to those who need of it. Check our our ideas below:
Cards for Hospitalized Kids is FREE charitable organization that sends love, hope, and joy to kids and teens across the United States. The website provides detailed instructions regarding creating and sending general and holiday cards. They welcome thoughtful, loving homemade cards from kids of all ages. Mind Chicago makes cards for this organization every year! We’ve painted cards, used stickers, written jokes, and more on different general and holiday cards. Let your imagination run wild and bring joy and hope to others with this Contributes activity!
Letters of Love is a FREE club and nonprofit organization that has sent over 100,000 cards to patients in children's hospitals worldwide. Their mission is that they want every child to know they are never alone and are always supported. Show your love and support by creating a card! If you are a parent, Letters of Love provides opportunities for moms to write letters of support and love to other moms. Currently, these letters are being sent to Ukrainian refugee parents. The website provides detailed instructions on letter requirements, where current letters are being sent, and how to send them.
Donating Items.
So many folks have extra books, toys, or other materials floating around their how ready to be loved by another child or family. Sorting, organizing, and donating is a helpful contribution!
Books 4 Free is the first FREE bookstore in Chicago! They provide a welcoming, supportive, and safe space for children, teens, and families to connect to books and community. In addition to books, they offer DVDs and school supplies. Check out the website to find out how you can donate or visit!
Children’s Advocacy Center is a not-for-profit organization that coordinates the efforts of child protection, law enforcement, medical experts, mental health services and more under one roof. Your family can donate new or gently used toys and games to their Kids Resource Closet to help contribute to a relaxing and playful environment during the children’s appointments at the center.
Share Your Soles provides the contributing opportunity for you to share new or gently worn shoes to those most in need. You would be contributing to individuals you may never know, meet, or see. But knowing that you will have been given hope and the chance for a better quality of life because of your care, love, and generosity. They collect all types of shoes ranging from children to adults. Check out their website to learn more.
Contribute Your Time (Volunteer).
Unlike making cards, this Contribution activity takes you outside of the house (very helpful when you're feeling big emotions). Despite the time commitment, volunteering can increase your feelings of connection to others and overall self-worth.
Help Out Your School!
If you live in or near Chicago, we know your school often reaches out for help! Find out about volunteer activities that are accessible to you and your child!
Mind Chicago is a frequent volunteer at Nourishing Hope. With over 50 years of service, this organization invites parents and kids to volunteer together one time or regularly. Tasks may include sorting vegetables and fruits, placing food into grocery bags, and helping in other ways. Very accessible!
At Cradles to Crayons, they believe and hope that one day every child will have the essentials they need to feel safe, warm, ready to learn, and valued. As a volunteer at C2C, your family will fulfill this vision and support kids in the community by ensuring they have everything they need to thrive at home, at school, and at play. While volunteering at their Giving Factory warehouse, you will examine, sort, and pack donated items called “KidPacks” which will be distributed.
Housing Opportunities for Women (HOW)
HOW is a longstanding leader in increasing stable, accessible housing for families. In addition to housing opportunities, they provide wrap-around services such as youth, job, and mental health support. So what can you do? HOW offers annual volunteer opportunities such as helping sort and pack gifts for kids, help at a holiday event, and supporting their overall programming. Several years ago, Mind Chicago made an annual commitment to financially support and participate in events at HOW.
Does your family love animals? Maybe you can’t have a pet in your home, but your child loves animals. Consider volunteering at PAWS! If your child is 12-17 years old, PAWS offers an opportunity to learn to care for and support animals that are currently unhoused. While pets await adoption, kids and teens can play with them, feed them, and even read to them!
This organization is all about getting families involved. The Honeycomb Project partners with nonprofits and sets up family-friendly volunteering events year-round. What is great about the Honeycomb project is that all ages are welcome (accompanied by any adult) and most work is best suited for ages 5 and up. They believe in putting kids at the forefront of social change by partnering with 45 organizations to source and organize monthly family volunteering events.
The ARK provides food, shelter, clothing, medical services, and other types of assistance to members of the Chicagoland Jewish community. The ARK welcomes families with children of all ages to volunteer in their food pantry. You can expect to learn about the programs and services of The Ark, take a short tour of our facility, and work in the pantry. Once a month, the ARK opens its doors to families who want to work in the pantry by shelving food, checking expiration dates, and bagging food. Mind Chicago has a good relationship with the ARK and has enjoyed providing mental health services supporting their mission.
Contribute to Family.
Another FREE and meaningful way to contribute is to do actions for others that are helpful or pleasantly unexpected. Below are just a few to start you off ☺️
Bake cookies for a friend or family member
Asking a friend about their day
Take the dogs out without anyone asking you
Do the dishes
Giving someone a hug
Contribute to Your Community.
This is different from traditional volunteering. If you live in Chicago, your neighbors live within feet of your front door or just across the hall! Community is essential, especially now. Do something helpful or unexpected for a neighbor (or a teacher).
Cook dinner for a new parent down the street
Offer to rake up the neighbor’s leaves or sweep their porch for free
Make a card for your older adult neighbor
Stop and talk to your neighbor while they are outside
Kindness and contribution are powerful tools. It can distract you from your suffering and boost your feelings of confidence, optimism, self-worth, and connection. Amazingly, we can help ourselves manage difficult moments while making our world a better place.
Interested in learning more about the full Wise Mind ACCEPTS skill and how it can help your child, teen, or family? Check out our website or reach out to us for more information and support. Mind Chicago offers neuropsychological testing, individual and family therapy, and parenting coaching to help children, teens, and families manage strong emotions and build stronger relationships.
Special thanks to therapist and parent coach, Courtney Chamerski, LSW, for writing this beautiful and supportive article!
