A Double Scoop of Validation

I’m going to invite you to try something with me.

What emotion(s) are you feeling right now?

Are you feeling curious, joyful, stressed…?

Whatever emotion(s) you’re feeling right now, STOP FEELING IT.

Did that work, were you able to stop?

How about this instead…

I need you, right now, to get excited. Go ahead, do what I say.

Wait, that didn’t work either?

Looks like we can’t just order up emotional change. And, clearly, I can’t make you change your emotions. So if we can’t do either, then how do we deal with strong emotions in others or ourselves?

…Enter Trumpets and Confetti… 

☆☆☆ Validation ☆☆☆

If we can’t alter our emotions or those of others through sheer willpower, maybe it’s time to tend to them.

One way to tend to emotions is to validate them.

Validation is when you let someone (or yourself) know that you understand how they’re feeling. Think of it in terms of getting your parking validated at a movie theater. When that little machine stamps your parking ticket, it’s essentially telling the other ticket machine in the parking lot, “Yes, Graham did in fact go to the movies.” When we validate ours or others’ emotions, all we are doing is saying, “Yes, you are, in fact, feeling that way.”

Validation is great for both regulating intense emotions and for de-escalating conflict. Feeling seen, known, and heard can go a long way. Conversely, invalidation can layer on uncomfortable emotions and escalate conflict. But what is invalidation?

Okay. Let’s say you and I go for ice cream. On the way there, you’re like, “I hope they have mint chocolate chip! That’s my favorite.” We pull up the menu on your phone. You see that they have Blue Moon ice cream. You’ve heard of this Midwest delicacy before, but you’ve never tried it. Now you’re like, “Scratch that; I can’t wait to try Blue Moon!”

We get to the shop, and Blue Moon is SOLD OUT. And you cry. You really wanted Blue Moon.

Here are some ways I might accidentally invalidate you:

-   “But look! They have mint chocolate chip! That’s the one you said you wanted in the first place anyway.”

-   “It’s just ice cream. You can always get it another time.”

-   “Honestly, Blue Moon is not even that good.”

I may have said these things in an effort to reassure you and comfort you. Yet, I inadvertently may have invalidated you because rather than acknowledging how you feel, I’m telling you to feel differently. Which, as we discussed, is not something either of us can do on the spot.

Okay, now let’s rewind. Let’s imagine I said something different. Instead, I offered a validating statement such as…

-   “You really had your heart set on Blue Moon, huh?”

-   “I’m sorry. That sucks.”

-   “You must be so disappointed.”

-   “I’d totally be disappointed, too. We didn’t expect it to be sold out.”

What’s important to remember about validation is that you can validate almost anything someone is feeling or saying, regardless of whether you agree with them. Remember validation is about acknowledging someone’s feelings not agreeing with everything they say. For example, someone could declare, “Peanut butter and jelly are gross together.” And while they’d be wrong (in my opinion), you could still be validating by saying, “That combo is no good for you, huh?.”

We don’t have to be perfect validating machines. However, considering and practicing validation strengthens our relationships with others, supports the management of strong emotions (especially for our highly sensitive young folks), de-escalates tense situations, and increases our own compassion for others!

And next time you’re feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or anxious and you’re feeling like you want to push that emotion away, try just naming that emotion to yourself. “Anxiety is here right now.”

Validation is such a wildly important Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill that I couldn’t possibly fit it all in a single article. So, stay tuned for the next one, where I’ll give you 6 different ways to validate. In the meantime, try looking for opportunities to pepper in some validation, whether it’s to yourself or someone else. Notice the reaction, and go from there.

Authored by Mind Chicago therapist, Graham McNamee, AM, LCSW, CADC