Talking To Kids About Therapy

Beginning therapy can feel uncomfortable, odd, or even scary. How parents and caregivers talk to kids about starting therapy can make a difference. Whether you’re a kid or a grownup, important conversations about big topics can be awkward and “cringy.” Yet, honest, brave, and supportive conversations before your child’s first session can help them feel less worried and more invested in the experience. 

But how do we talk to our kids about starting therapy in a way that helps? 

Timing is Everything

Every child needs a reasonable heads-up about therapy. No one (child or grownup) should show up to therapy unsure about why they are there. But how far in advance to introduce the idea of therapy is up to you and your family. We often suggest a week in advance for kids with lots of anticipatory anxiety. You might need a longer lead time for kids who struggle to adjust to new information and need to talk it through a few times. No matter when you decide to begin the conversation, start by finding a calm, private moment to talk to your child. Make sure you have their full attention. And like any important conversation, make sure you pick a time when you and your child are less stressed and have the mental energy to talk about a big topic. Pair the conversation with something more pleasant, like a yummy meal, a walk with the dog, or a trip to Starbucks.

Normalize the Idea

Therapy may not be a typical phenomenon in your family. And that’s okay. Normalizing therapy means that we discuss it as a helpful, hopeful support and not as a punishment or consequence for having strong emotions or big behaviors. We can describe it as having a coach in a favorite sport (or an art teacher in a favorite class) who teaches you new techniques, encourages you to take healthy risks, and helps you keep going when things feel too hard to bear. It can also be helpful to share some of the facts about mental health. Anxiety, depression, and stress are more common than most people think.  Research shows that 1 in 5 kids experience mental health challenges during their school years. That means in a classroom of 20 kids, at least 4 will experience stress, anxiety, family issues, and more. In fact, mental health conditions are more prevalent than asthma! Often, mental health challenges develop before kids hit early adolescence, so starting therapy early can be helpful.

Validate and Support

It’s not uncommon for kids to feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or upset when talking about therapy for the first time. Sometimes, when kids feel worried or embarrassed, they may try to avoid the conversation, change the topic, or blame you or others in an effort to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Avoidance is a normal human response to discomfort. Yet, it makes it tricky for parents and caregivers to offer support and prepare kids for therapy. One way to help your child in these moments is to validate their emotions and offer a vote of confidence. Here are some examples:

🧒🏽 Child: “You think something is wrong with me.” 

👩🏽 Parent: “I can see you’re worried and uncomfortable. That makes sense because we’ve never talked about this topic before. We love each other so much and have had conversations about important topics in the past, so I know we can do it again!”

🧒🏻 Child: “You’re trying to make me feel worse.” 

👨🏻 Parent: “This is a hard and new conversation. I can tell you’re feeling super worried. Trying something new can be hard, and I am confident that you can do it. Let’s plan for what you want to do afterward to reward yourself for trying something new and uncomfortable.” 

Continue to validate their feelings. Your child might be nervous, and that makes sense! It is brave and important to try new things, even when we are scared. A phrase we love is “You can do hard things!” Also, encourage questions. Your kid might experience less anxiety when they know what to expect from their first session. 

Prep for the Convo

There is no one way to introduce the idea of therapy to kids. How you and your family talk about therapy will depend on your experience with therapy, your family’s background, culture, and history, and your child's age. Below are a few quick answers to the most common parent questions about introducing therapy to children. 

What is therapy? Therapy can be a tricky thing to explain. When describing therapy to your child, use the same language you use at home, along with age-appropriate terms. Here’s an example we’ve used in the past: 

Overall, therapy helps kids (and grownups) get better at feeling their feelings (even the hard ones), deal with problems, and have better friendships. Big emotions and behaviors can get in the way of things we want or like - such as friends, activities, school, and more. Therapy is like having a special coach for your feelings, behaviors, and thoughts, helping you become really good at dealing with the ups and downs that life brings. Therapy doesn’t make your emotions go away, and it can’t make you “happy” all the time. But therapy can help you learn lots of skills so you can have tough moments and still do the things that are important to you. 

What should I expect in therapy? In the beginning, your therapist will get to know you. You might talk, play games, or do art to get to know each other better. After that, you’ll make a plan for what you do each time you meet. This might include learning about the science of emotions, talking about feelings, or learning new strategies to deal with tricky thoughts, actions, or emotions. Sometimes, therapy will be really fun, and sometimes, it will be hard. No matter what, you get to be in charge of what and how you share during therapy.

Remember, the goal is to be a helping hand in encouraging your child to take a healthy risk. By validating and encouraging confidence in your child, you are supporting them in the process. And remember, conversation about therapy with your child requires empathy, patience, and honesty. As parents and caregivers, your support and understanding are invaluable throughout this journey.

If you have further questions or concerns, Mind Chicago is here to support you and your child every step of the way.

Authored by Mind Chicago therapists Courtney Chamerski, LSW and Dr. Lee Wells